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Welcome to my blog! I hope to be able to provide valuable strategies, insights, ideas, and resources for foster parents who are trying to juggle the roles of both biological parent and foster parent.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Back to Business- RULES

The results of the poll question "Do you think that children, including the very young, should be told about the different types of abuse prior to their parents opening a foster home?" The reults were:
 Yes- 66% No-33%.
Now for my opinion on the topic: a very enthusiastic and empathtic "YES!" When foster children move in, they will tell your children about the abuse they endured. This is a fact. So you need to make the decision...do you want your children to learn about abuse through graphic "horror stories" that they will hear from other children? Or would you prefer to be able to explain it them, answer their questions, and quell their fears? It's something to think about...

Again, I must apologize for my "rant" last week, and now back to business. The topic is rules. Prior to having any foster child move in, you should think about your household rules. You need to think about whether or not you even have a concrete set of expectations for your own children. In some families, rules are just somewhat "understood," as a family you know each other well, and therefore there is no need for a formal "list." This is not the case in a foster family. New children coming into the house will need a set of clearly defined rules, which are posted and visable at all times. Consequences for breaking those rules should also be listed. As basic parenting logic states, try to have "the punishement fit the crime," and be sure that you are prepared to be flexible with your rules and consequences, as they will change with the arrival of different children (it might be a good idea to write the rules on chalk/white board.)

Sit down with your children and allow them to contribute to the list. They might want to add some rules of their own. A word of caution-do not allow them to "make" any rules that they will not be expected to follow themselves. For instance, don't allow them to make the rule "Nobody is allowed in my room when I am not home" and then allow them to go into a foster child's room when he/she is not there. Another thought about a rule about going into bedrooms-if your children are sharing their room with a foster child, they cannot say the foster child is not allowed in the room when they themselves are not home. For as long as the child is living there, it is his/her room as well, and restrictions cannot be put on when he/she can go in there.

 Make sure that the rules you make and the rules you allow your children to contribute are not designed to exclude the foster children from any activities or areas (that your biological children are included in.) Rules should apply to all children in the home, not just foster children. If you want to have a "playroom" or a "recreation room" just for your children, or you want to have special times of the day that you do things with your children and exclude the foster children-then maybe foster care isn't right for your family. As I expressed in last week's "rant" a foster child is part of your family for the entire time that they live with you. This means they are not excluded from anything that your own children aren't excluded from. It is understandable that as a parent, you may want to spend time with your biological children, without foster children, and there are ways to do this without making anyone feel excluded. You will have to think about what you can do to make this work for your family. Maybe you and your biological children like to to play a certain game, checkers, for an example. Go ahead and play it with them, but then allow your foster children to "play the winner." Arrange special activities when your foster children are on visits or meeting with their social workers or therapists. There are a thousand ways to be creative and let your children know they are special without hurting anybody's feelings. It may take a little extra effort, but that's what seperates a not-so-good foster parent from a great one. 

Check in next week for a discussion about the rule about fighting and the consequence called "Quality Time" that we had in our foster home. Also, please check out the new poll!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The poll question was: Do you think it's right for foster parents to put their foster children to bed early so they can spend time with their biological children, and call it "Family Time?" The results were:
 Yes 0%, No 71% and Depends 28%. I was able to speak to one person who voted "depends" and her dependant factor was if the children were very young (i.e. under one) this would be acceptable.

The reason I asked this question is because I read this as advice on another foster parenting blog. The foster mother stated that her foster children understood why she did it and didn't mind...I'm perplexed at how some people get their foster parenting license.

So, while we are on the topic of "Family Time," as a foster parent who has biological children- you have what is called a foster family. A foster home is defined as a "substitute home" and a foster parent is a "substitute parent" for the time that a child cannot be with their own family. You are not a babysitter, or a landlord. You are a parent to that child for as long as they are with you. That child is part of your family and there should be treated with equality when it comes to rules, expectations, and special privileges. Of course you love your own children and won't even know a foster child when they first move in. You may even find yourself fostering a child who is difficult to even like, never mind love. Regardless of the situation, a foster parent should never lose sight of what his/her role in that child's life is. It may be difficult to do, but you may need to step back and look at the situation if you find yourself having difficulty liking a foster child. Are behavior problems due to any circumstances that are in your control? Does the child feel unwelcome, unloved, not "part of the family?" Do you tend to always believe your own children over the foster children? Do you allow your own children special privileges?

If you, or your children have difficulties with a foster child, please don't immediately assume it's them. Everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry about the rant. I was reunited with a foster kid who lived with me and was distressed to hear some of the things that happened to him when he left my house.

Please participate in the new poll!