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Welcome to my blog! I hope to be able to provide valuable strategies, insights, ideas, and resources for foster parents who are trying to juggle the roles of both biological parent and foster parent.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Foster Care "Mini-Training"

When I went to my first foster parent training course, I asked the instructors if there were any classes available for my children (they were 7 and 8 at the time). Here they were offering me ten weeks of intensive training, explaining foster care and abuse to me. I already knew about it. That was why I was there. My children knew nothing of foster care or abuse (fortunately.) I was told that there was no training for the children. Then I asked about resources (books, etc.) that I could use as a catalyst to discuss foster care and some of the more sensitive issues that I felt my children needed to know about. They knew of nothing, and upon researching the topic myself, I found books for foster parents and books for foster children. There was nothing out there for biological children. The only fiction books I found made the biological children out to be the "bad guys" and this was certainly not the impression I wanted to give my children about their role as "foster-siblings."

So, it was up to me (and it will be up to you) to explain foster care and abuse to your children. Some people may argue that their children do not need to know the details of abuse. When foster children enter your home, they will tell your children about the abuse they endured. As you will be unable to monitor all conversations children have, it is most likely that your children will become aware of this travesty at some point. The decision is yours, of course, but you need to decide if you want to your children to hear about abuse from you, so that you can answer their questions and quell their fears, or if you want them to first learn about abuse by way of "horror stories" shared with them by other children.

Confidentiality is also an important topic to make sure your children are aware of. You will most likely have this concept drilled into your heads by your training officials, and it is very important that your children are aware that they cannot, under any circumstances, share any information about the foster children with anybody outside of the home or not involved in their direct care. While on the topic of confidentiality, it is also important to discuss "secrets." Your children will need to be aware that confidentiality only means not telling their friends, etc. about the child's history. You should make it clear to them that if a foster child tells them anything about a situation that is currently occurring (i.e. abuse on visits) or that has happened in the past (and they have not told anyone) that it is acceptable to tell you or anyone involved with the child (i.e. therapist, social worker, etc.) Make sure that your children know the difference between confidentiality and secrets.

During your training courses keep notes about what you think your children need to know. Then conduct your own "mini training" for them. This will ensure a smooth transistion from family to foster family. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

So you want to be a foster parent?

The decision to become a foster parent is a big one for most people. For those who already have children of their own, this decision can be even more difficult. Many questions and concerns will arise: Will my biological children feel as though I am "replacing" them? Do I have enough time/patience/love to go around? Am I putting my own children in jeopardy by bringing other children into my home? These concerns (and possibly a great many others) are valid and should be considered when making the decision to open a foster home.

When trying to determine whether or not foster care is right for your family, it is advisable to have open, frank discussions with all family members and ensure it is a family decision to move forward.

With older children, best practices suggest an open and honest approach to discussing what being a foster family will mean to them. Your expectations for them as foster siblings should be clearly defined and shared with them. Depending upon their ages and the foster children, will your biological children be expected to help? Will they be required to extra chores? (as extra children in the home will certainly mean more work.)Will your biological children be required to share their bedroom or other space with a foster child? If children are informed regarding expectations right from the beginning, there will be less of a chance that they will develop resentments later on.

Even if you do not require your child to help (for instance an older teen providing care for younger children) or require them to do extra chores or share their room, there will still most certainly be a great number of changes to the dynamics of the family. Also, if you provide care to multiple children in an unrestricted foster home, the dynamics will change as children leave and other children move in. Schedules will also change. Foster children may have family visits, therapy sessions (in or out of the home) multiple doctor appointments, court appearances, extra-curricular activities, etc. As a foster parent, you may or may not be required to provide transportation to these meetings/appointments. Some children may have many engagements and others may have very few. This will most certainly require a biological child's understanding and willingness to be flexible about schedules. For an older child or a teen, prior knowledge that these types of changes can occur will aid them in understanding later on, when and if they do occur. 

Prior to becoming a foster family, the adults who will be providing care will be required to attend training sessions. These classes/seminars will provide valuable information to potential care-givers about foster parenting and the expectations for foster parents. Training classes are not generally provided for the children of potential foster parents. Parents can help their children by gathering the information at training sessions that they feel will be beneficial for their children to know. There may be some adult conversations/anecdotal situations which are discussed during training sessions, that do not need to be shared with biological children. Biological children need to know how being a foster family will effect them and their lives. Parents may use their own discretion as to what information they feel should be shared with their children.     

 Your positive attitude toward foster care will help your children to develop a beneficial view of fostering children. There are multiple benefits to having a foster home. If it is something you are are already considering doing, and are doing so for the right reasons, then you know these benefits. Share these ideas with your children. Let them know why you want to have a foster home. Maybe you had experience with foster care (either yourself or someone you know). If this was a positive experience, you may feel the inclination to carry on those valuable aspects and "give back" by providing care for other children who are in a situation you (or the person you know) may have been in. Maybe your experiences were negative, and you want to do something to offer a positive experience to a child .Be sure that you are considering going into foster care for the right reasons before you attempt to ask your family to support your decision (i.e. you genuinely want to help). Expecting to be a foster parent for financial gain will only offer disappointment. Although a stipend is usually given to provide the necessities for a child's care, foster care is not a way to make money.  Whatever your positive reasons are, by sharing them with your children you can help them to understand that you are not trying to replace them, and give them a basis for viewing the foster family experience as one which can be beneficial to the family as a whole.